This has been such a strange day. My daughter was angry at me for not getting tickets to see her favourite pop star. It upset me so much that I needed to take a walk outside. When I stopped to tie my shoe somebody knocked me out from behind. I was then flown to a mysterious island by helicopter. When I came to, I was surrounded by a group of men around my age. We were all dressed in matching green outfits.

“Greetings gentleman. My name is Tyrannus Tentacles and I am the world’s richest man. I watched you all desperately try to get tickets to the big concert tour coming to your home towns. I could have easily bought all the tickets and given them out for free. But then what kind of megalomaniac would I be? Instead, I am going to have you compete in a number of contests. The winner will receive the final pair of tickets to the sold out show in their home city. Let The Octopus Olympics begin!”

“First up, we start the competition off with a game of hoops. The first man that misses a shot will explode. And just to make things more interesting, the ball will get hotter and hotter with every successful shot.”

As a volunteer coach for my daughter’s basketball team, I had developed a pretty good shot. But every time I picked up the ball I immediately had to release it before I burned my hands. One of the other contestants had the ball slip out of his hands and immediately exploded.

Next up was an 8-ball pool challenge. I was never really good at shooting pool. But luckily for me neither were my opponents. Somehow I was able to advance to the finals where I ran the table. I pumped my fist in excitement before quickly realizing that the man I had defeated was about to explode. I closed my eyes and covered my ears as another contestant was reduced to a smouldering pile of green linen.

The remaining competitors were hustled off into another room by Tentaces’ henchmen. I scanned the room for any sporting goods only to find a set of Rubix Cubes on a table. I hadn’t played with one of those since the 80’s. Most of my friends were able to solve the cube but I never did. My opponent and I frantically tried to match up all the colours on the cubes. Somehow I got lucky and was able to solve the cube for the first time ever. My rival wasn’t as lucky and you know what happened next….BOOM!

“Tennis anyone?” Tentacles mockingly announced over the loudspeaker.

The remaining players and I desperately tried to find a way out of this nightmare but we’re forced back onto the court by Tentacles’ minions known as The Consortium. I’m a small and slender guy while my opponent was much bigger and more powerful. I didn’t return one serve and yet I was on the verge of match point. My flustered competitor hit the net with his latest serve and promptly blew up.

The final competition would be a home run derby. My adversary dropped his bat and decided to make a run for it instead. Just as he was about to climb the over wall, he was blown up. Does that mean I won? Members of The Consortium ripped the bat from my hands and sprayed my face with black mist, temporarily blinding me. I was then dragged off to meet the mysterious Tyrannus Tentacles.

“Congratulations Mr. Kim. You have won The Octopus Olympics!” Tentacles announced.

“I don’t know who you are or what this all about but give me those concert tickets and I’ll be on my way” I angrily addressed the man in the octopus mask.

“Not so fast Mr. Kim. You have proven to be a highly-skilled contestant. I may keep you around for the next series of games.”

“I need to get back to my wife and daughter!” I bellowed.

“Bah! Stay here and work for me. The more you win the wealthier you and especially I will become.”

“So this is what these so-called games are all about? You’re lonely. You have no friends or family. You may everything in the world and yet you have nothing!” I snarled.

“Silence!” Tentacles shouted as his voice started to quaver. “No tickets for you. Release the angry birds!”

“Um, sir, we weren’t able to get the real Angry Birds but this flock seems pretty annoyed” one of his henchmen interjected.

“Whatever! Release the birds!” Tentacles commanded.

Things didn’t look good for me as I tried to fend off a flurry of furious birds. But then out of nowhere the attack stopped. Apparently word had spread that Tentacles was planning on firing half of the employees on Octopus Olympus Island. The barrage of birds began pecking away at Tyrannus Tentacles ripping off his mask in the process. It turned out that the mysterious masked mastermind was actually billionaire businessman, Egon Mollusc. His unethical business practices had certainly ruffled more than a few feathers.