Chapter one:

ALL MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN LIED TO; THEY SAY IT'S FOR MY PROTECTION, BUT I THINK IT'S FOR THEIRS.

I WAS TOLD SHE WAS BRAVE, GIVING, AND DETERMINED.

BUT I NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO EXPERIENCE HOPE.

TO ME, HOPE WAS THE NAME OF MY MOTHER; IT NEVER REALLY MEANT ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL I GOT OLDER.

FOR I'M NOT SURE IF I STILL HAVE HOPE.

I HOPE I'LL SEE MY BROTHERS AGAIN.

I HOPE MY FATHER IS A DECENT HUMAN BEING.

I HOPE I LEARN MORE ABOUT WHO YOU we're.

More than that, you loved cats, and you were a great cook. When I was younger, all I wanted was to know how our lives would have been if you didn't get sick

. If I grew up with my brothers, oh, how different I would be. It all started with you, the second-oldest golden child. To be honest, I only know the stories I was told, like, for example:

You really liked watermelon to the point where you would eat all the way to the edge, and Grandpa would say, "Are you deprived?" But what only my Uncle H tells me is that she had a fun side and a stubborn one. She loved movies. One time she invited him to one, and he hated it because he said it was too dramatic for an English movie. Back then, you weren't allowed to leave till it was over because there were no cameras, and the tickets were proof of where you were, so my mom didn't last because she felt bad.

BUT DON'T GET ME

 WRONG, SHE STILL MOCKED HIM ABOUT IT. BECAUSE OF THAT, I KNOW WHERE I GOT MY CARING SIDE FROM.

 I DON'T REMEMBER THAT MUCH ABOUT HER SINCE I WAS SO YOUNG, BUT I REMEMBER THAT WHEN SHE WOULD CRY, SHE'D HIDE IT FROM ME AND MY BROTHERS. SHE EVEN LET US WEAR CHRISTMAS PAJAMAS EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T CELEBRATE AND WEAR SANTA HATS SO WE WOULDN'T FEEL LEFT OUT SINCE WE LIVED IN NEW MEXICO AT THE TIME. HER ONLY CARE IN THE WORLD WAS TO MAKE US HAPPY.

Chapter 2: My Father

I never really asked about my dad until I got older, and now that I live with my aunt, Faith, I ask her. She tells me that he didn't treat my brothers well, and my mom hated that, so they got divorced. At the time, my mom didn't know she was pregnant with me, and after debating on telling him about me, he said he wanted nothing to do with me. But that's just one side of the story, right? My dad can't be that bad of a person. You know, I always wondered what was so wrong with me that he didn't want me, but I'm sure that's not the case

I've always had trouble communicating my feelings, and I tend to overshare my life with others sometimes. Don't get me wrong, there are things I try not to think about myself. I had depression in 2020/2022, but didn't we all? (Because of COVID) It started to come back in waves, the anxiety, out of nowhere. My legs would shake, my jaw one time too. (I didn't know that was possible).

I TEND TO OVERTHINK THE SMALLEST DETAILS. LIKE SOMEONE'S:

TONE

EYES

ACTIONS

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I WAS THE YOUNGEST AND I WAS ALWAYS IGNORED OR EXCLUDED BECAUSE I WAS SO YOUNG. NOW, I JUST SIT IN MY ROOM BECAUSE WHEN I GO OUT, I GET CALLED LAZY, EVEN THOUGH I AM TRYING MY BEST.

Chapter 3: Siblings Faith and Hope

MY BROTHERS AND I GOT SEPARATED 3 WEEKS BEFORE

MY MOTHER PASSED. THEY WENT BACK TO CALIFORNIA TO THEIR BIRTH DAD WHILE I STAYED HERE WITH MY AUNT FAITH. FAITH HAS A SON ABOUT 4 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. HE HAD A DISABILITY AND SHE WAS A SINGLE MOM. BY THE TIME HE WAS 4, SHE KEPT LOSING HER FAMILY MEMBERS - MY GRANDPA, THEN MY UNCLE, SOON 2 OF HER SISTERS, THEN HER MOTHER. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH A LOT. THEY SAY MY GRANDMOTHER GOT ILL FROM ALL THE GRIEF, AND I'M SURE FAITH WOULD BE MUCH HAPPIER IF SHE WAS STILL WITH US. BUT , EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

My uncle (the oldest) has been my aunt's own pain. He gets sick a lot even though he's already diabetic, but now he also has heart problems which lead to seizures. She doesn't deserve the way he treats her. She is just trying to look out for him, but he won't let her help him. The first time he had a seizure, he was in a different country, and I remember hearing screaming. It was 3 a.m. I ran into her room; she was shaking and couldn't talk straight. It was the first time I ever saw her like that. I've seen her cry, but this was different; she wasn't herself. 

She took her son and traveled to take care of him once again. She left me with her stepmother. She said it was because of school, but I'm sure that's not the only reason because I found out that they keep a lot from me (because I'm the youngest). Then months after, it happened again, but this time we were a city apart, and I stayed with her friend. At that moment, I was sure  school was just an excuse.

But I mean, who can blame her? She promised my mom she would protect me.

Chapter 4: My brothers Max and Alex

In January , Faith showed me a picture of a black guy with a beard and asked me, "Do you know who this is?" I was like, "I've never seen that man in my life." She told me it was Max, my oldest brother. He looked so much older, way older. I mean, the last time I saw him, he was 12.

She told me that one time when I was going to talk to my brother before school and their father told me they ran away, that they actually did, but only A came back. You know, all that time I believed her when she told me they were pranking me and never 

thought of it again, but I should have.

I don't know the details of why they ran away, but I know that M knew Hope the most out of all of us and that he had to grow up the fastest to look after his younger brother.

I would say me too, but he never got the chance since we lived in different places.

So we texted for a while, we FaceTimed once.

I was never really allowed to tell them that I knew they were keeping this from me, that they ran away, that he wasn't in the military, that he just never planned on talking to us again.

He told me that he sends me and Hope balloons on our birthdays. You know what really hurts? The fact that he felt like he couldn't talk to me about it and told all of them to keep it from me. I don't hate him like he thinks I will. I just want my brother back. I haven't heard from him since April 9th,

 2022.

 I just want to know if he's okay. Now my second oldest brother, Alex, I can't have a conversation with him anymore. I feel like he's always busy, and I hate keeping this from him, but he's keeping it from me, right? A has always been protective of me, and I know him better than I know Max. Even though we barely talk as

much anymore, I love him so much, and he helps me through all of it without realizing. Turns out he was hinting at the situation to me a few years ago.

He said:

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THAT ME AND Max  we ARE TRYING OUR BEST.

IT'S NOT EASY AND WE DO MESS UP MANY TIMES, S. BUT YOUR BROTHERS LOVE YOU MORE THAN THE WORLD AND WOULD SACRIFICE ANYTHING FOR YOU.

ONE TIME FAITH TOLD ME SOMETHING WHEN I WAS UPSET. 

I DON'T REMEMBER WHY I WAS UPSET, BUT SHE SAID:

"BE STRONG LIKE HOPE, NOT STRONG LIKE ME." AND THAT REALLY STUCK WITH ME BECAUSE HOW CAN I BE

LIKE HER WHEN I BARELY REMEMBER HER.

My uncle H once told me, while I was arguing with my cousin, "You know, I really thought you were more like Hope. I'm disappointed." I thought, how could he, out of everyone, say that to me? He would watch TV with me when nobody else would. I could talk to him about anything and not get yelled at. But that all changed in less than a minute. Oh, how a few words could change your whole view of someone.

Chapter 5: Friendships

In elementary school, I didn't have lots of friends. I had one. I knew May from kindergarten, and we were always

transferred to the same schools by luck. But now that I've moved, that's changed. She's kind, she has hazel eyes and curls just like mine. Yet she is more social than I am, but really self-conscious. I don't know why.

She's actually the perfect friend. She's always there when I need her. We can laugh together but also lean on each other when we need to. She even called me every few hours when I was sick in the hospital because that's the kind of friend she is. Faith is very strict when it comes to friends, but when it comes to May, she's not because we've known each other for so long,