Cran-Man

I don't know what in the heck's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He's showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We'll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why don't you back off, cran-man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.

                     Fig Newtons

So my doctor told me to watch what I'm eating - to read food labels. I'm in the store reading the Fig Newtons label: I've always liked Fig Newtons. I'm reading the label to make sure everything's fine: fat content. I looked at the serving size; two cookies. Who eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve: two sleeves is a serving size. I open them both and eat them like a tree chipper; Fig Newton shavings coming off the side.

Cannonball

Do not stand directly in front of a cannon...how true that is.

Spelling Bee

I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew. "Alright kids, up against the wall! It's time for public humiliation!"

                    The Me Monster

I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that. I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody. "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee, me, I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me!" Beware the Me monster.

              Little League Baseball

My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in the right field, cause I stunk.

                  Science project

It’s a cup…with dirt in it. I call it a cup of dirt. 

            Grape & Cherry

Grape! I'm gonna get grape! Or cherry. They're both favorites, so either one is good. If they have both I'll get grape though 'cause that's a little more favorite. But if they don't have grape that's fine 'cause it's like "ah that's fine 'cause cherry's favorite anyway", ya know? It's like another favorite but not as much. Not as much favorite. But they're both good. They're both good.