Hi I’m Joela Rivera a 20 year old college student at UT Arlington, studying computer science. 

Most know me as the quiet girl who’s always drawing, listening to music, or coding. What they don’t know is that I’m constantly in a battle with something that affects every part of my life BP-1 also known as Bipolar 1, a disorder that affects 5.7 million people like me every year.

My moods change and shift like Texas weather in November, sunny one day storming the next.

When I'm manic, I feel unstoppable. It's like a bold jolt of lightning struck me on the inside. I'll go days without rest and still feel at 100%. lets just say I become overly confident in my capabilities.

I can do five projects at once, redecorate my dorm, heck even do some coding. everything just feels possible in the moment. Until it all comes crashing down. This is known as a manic episode.

When the mania fades away, I fall. Hard. Its like the air gets sucked out of me. I can't move. I can't think. I can't even muster up the strength to look at my phone. My mind and body feels heavy.

I miss classes and stop answering calls and messages. my professors wonder where I've gone, and my friends don't understand why I disappear. It's like I'm a stranger to myself, powerless.

These past years I've learned to fake normal. I smile and joke. When I start to feel it take over I just say I'm tired.

But the truth is I'm afraid of my own emotions. I never know which version of me if going to wake up. The calm or the storm.

sometimes I look at my ceiling and wonder, is this me? Or is it BP-l talking. This is this hardest part, not knowing where I end and BP-l begins.

One day, after missing yet another class, I walked to the counseling center on campus. I was so anxious that my hands were shaking the whole time.

When asked what my reasoning was for coming in today, all I could say was, "There is something wrong with me."

This was the first time I felt that someone was actually listening to me without judgement. It was the first time I didn't feel crazy for feeling everything so deeply. After our conversation, I was led to a referral to a psychiatrist. of course I was scared, but I went

After my appointment the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar l Disorder.  She told me that while it isn't curable it is manageable.

Like any regular person I cried. It felt like a label I didn't want. But my psychiatrist explained that having a name for what I was experiencing meant that there was a path forward, medication, therapy, and support.

They told me that I wasn't in this alone, and that with the correct care, I could still achieve and chase my dreams. That was the first time I felt a sense of control over my own life.

You are not alone!

I'm scared